Colomogation of Quotes from Week Three

Monday

“Andy, you aren’t going to die, you just feel like crap and aren’t thinking straight,” my mom said, trying to keep him as tied to reality as possible. Whenever she would do that I felt better. I was beginning to think like Andy was, too. There were many moments where we would just smile at each other, and I loved that.

“Let me be a reason for you to live,” I told him in my mind, hoping it would somehow reach him. – Declan, from his morning meeting comment, when his neighbor fell and he and his mom helped him.

“Rose made a ten letter word, “Chimpanzee.” I made a three-letter word, “‘hat’” – Tal, commenting on Rose’s morning meeting phot of their Banana Grams Game

“The world felt grey, all my music recommendations were grey (that’s the type of music I listen to), it was like the world was drawn from a pencil. I felt like I couldn’t talk to people. I’m not the most modern person, and I believe that whatever someone says on a computer can only be true to a certain extent. The world of a computer is hard, cold, like a pencil tip, sharp and grey. You have to think about what you say, you can’t have the spontaneous bursts of happiness.”- Axel, from one of his writing pieces; a scene about a ‘sudden epiphany’

“I began fleshing out these memories by coloring them in.” – Axel, from the same writing piece

“I didn’t feel sad about leaving anymore I felt happy for everyone playing in the snow and I knew that the school would go on and that I wasn’t really leaving, I was just moving on.” – Nate, from his ‘sudden epiphany’ scene

“Saturday night, I had a dream that we were all back at school together, in one huge group hug of 25 kids. As if it was the first time we had seen each other after quarantine. I remember a small part of me knowing it was surprisingly soon, but it still felt real. Then we went outside into the field, and we all held out a huge circular tarp maybe 30 feet wide, and flung things up from the middle of it. It was sort of weird, but when I woke up, I was reminded of the tarp game, and it was just nice to think about that. And that even though we are missing so many opportunities for those kinds of experiences because we can’t be together, at least we had that to look back on, and it made me happy.” —Viv, her morning meeting comment

“It’s easy to lose track of time, not because every day feels exactly the same, but because the days start to blur together and it feels like the transitions between them are slipping away. This all happened so fast, at the beginning of March, we thought that having to close school was a possibility, but a distant one. It feels like things like that have just been piling up: we close school, Vermont closes school, a city closes etc. It’s a little terrifying because we don’t know what’s going to happen in the future at all. Now, it feels like everything that could possibly have happened has happened, but there is most likely more. When I saw the writing prompt for this week, I realized how many amazing memories I have from the fall. It feels like such a long time ago that we were all playing the helicopter game and having a wedding for Tal and Rose etc. We have come such a long way since then, a lot of things have happened and now we are here and the fall feels like a completely different world. ” —Leila; from her morning meeting comment

“Rose I just realized I accidentally uploaded all my lab pages from last week to Steve instead of you, but I fixed it.” – Iris; on the ninth grade science Google chat, showing yet another complication with the art of ‘online school’: the uploading of pictures

“Rose is working hard. And Steve is working hard. And Tal is working hard. And a lot of you are working hard.  Wallace and Jasper are not working hard. They are lazy, hairy, sleepy, bums.” —Tal, from his afternoon comment, depicting Rose’s work station at home.

“Last night our family was watching a movie but soon I started to get uninterested in it. I walked up to the counter and got a piece of cake and sat down at our dinner table. I looked outside. The window was black with a light beaming Crystal looking raindrop. I watched it hit against the house, sparkling up into the blackness. It was in the middle of the field. There is no light near it. I wondered how one raindrop had so much color. I wanted to go out and touch it. The patterns seemed so real and so close. Like it was almost touching my hand. The light was blinding throughout the field. Shimmering across the pond. I never liked the rain. The loudness always scared me but now I had looked at it from a different perspective. It was not going to hurt me. I stared at this beaming light for most of the night. Hearing, watching and feeling it come closer even though it had not moved.” — Dinara, her afternoon meeting comment

“I’ve found myself missing my stained glass as if it were a person.” Declan, in response to Rose’s afternoon comment, which was talking about visiting the school for experiment supplies this morning and seeing all the things that were and were not there

Tuesday

“Yesterday, for a long while I stood at my door whimpering like a dog because I wanted to go out in the rain. . . . I got tired of standing, but that was more out of annoyance that I couldn’t execute my plans than boredom. I want to see something else other than the goddamn rain. And I think when you really think about it. That is the same thing that we are doing right now, as a school. We are seeing past the rain. Although the rain, in this case, is a deadly virus. We are planning and formulating the best path to take. We are seeing through the rain to the woods. The thick foliage. The promised land. The golden country. Something greater, where we are all together.” – Giles, from his morning meeting comment

“That’s me giving you the evil eye over the internet.” – Steve, during the ninth grade math class, staring very close to the camera at those who hadn’t sent their movies in to him

“You should take a selfie with my 7 inch eyeball on the screen.” – Steve,same as above, to Declan, who put the zoom meeting on his TV

“Do you see where the secret to power lies?  It lies in the patients.” – Tal, during the ninth grade lit class, talking about McMurphy trying to lift the hydro control panel all alone, and the others just stand and watch, not helping

“The Chief knows where the big fish is, but he can only get there in his imagination.”  ——Tal, during the nineties lit class, talking about Chief staring at a painting of a fisherman and telling the fisherman in his head where he should cast his fly instead of being a fisherman himself.

“Today in lit class I kind of saw a glimmer of hope in Finley although he didn’t write a response, he read the lit and seemed to be excited, talking about what he was thinking about in the book. I guess, Finley, that’s what I want to see more, even though you weren’t bouncing off the walls crazy about it you seemed more excited about the book, all of the metaphors, and everything.”  – Luke’s afternoon meeting comment

“Although, I did laugh my ass off when Nate said, “Well, you can’t really count ‘vegetarian’ as a pizza option.” – getting 2 quotes in one: the italicized quote is from Steve’s afternoon meeting comment, and the other is Nate’s quote is from a ninth-grade math class problem

Wednesday

“Today my dad and I made breakfast for everyone, and I have been wanting to do things with him, or any of my family members, because I want things to talk about in meetings. I thought of doing this because Tal said in lit class yesterday, ‘that even though you’re behind a screen, you can say something just as powerful, and you can choose to do that, or you can do a two sentence comment.’ And for the past couple days I have been saying things that were two sentences, and saying things that most of them had no meaning. And Tal has been pressuring me to do my work, and sometimes I don’t feel like I’m contributing enough towards this, and making a commitment to be here while this is going on, and trying to participate.” – Ezra, his morning meeting comment, stepping it up

“We’ve always had an ok relationship, with lows and highs, but being stuck together has brought us together, which I’m really glad about.” – Viv, from her morning meeting comment, about her brother

“Rose is an excellent “actress.” I, on the other hand, will not be winning any Oscars There is so much work that goes into setting up and following through, but the actual shooting/acting part hardly amounts to any effort at all: My take away: editors should get more money than film actors.”- Tal, from his morning meeting comment about making a movie with Rose.

“If you can spell it, it’s a word.” – Declan, at the end of the ninth grade math class, defending “yeet” as a word, against Steve and I. who said it was not

“She asked for a blessing and asked for no more, and the choir kept singing of freedom.” – lyric from a song called “Birmingham Sunday,” in a video Tal showed us about the 16th Street Baptist Church bombing

Quotes from MLK Jr.’s eulogy for the 4 girls killed in the bombing: “We must work passionately . . . for the realization of the American dream” “Indeed this tragic event may cause the white South to come to terms with their conscience” “We must not lose faith in our white brothers” “Their lives were small in quantity but large in quality.”

“I finally looked up to see the attorneys and saw they too were weeping. “- Lisa McNair, sister of one of the four girls killed, recounting the court case 38 years later that finally convicted the four men who bombed the church

“But this is home, and you have to fight for your home and fight for it to be okay.” – Lisa McNair

“Lucky, then, we have two of these magical beans.” – the video on kidneys Rose showed us in science (ha ha)

“Steve, you crafty son of a toaster.” – Declan, on the all-school google chat, from a while ago, but is worth mentioning

“There’s so many TREES!” – yours truly, outside trying to make a birds-eye drawing of the yard

Thursday

“I like Eli’s first step in taking care of goats: “You have to have goats. Check. We have goats!” – Tal; from his morning meeting comment, talking about Eli’s video from the film festival on how to take care of goats

“The part of school that feels like we are missing the most is the in between the classes where we play and mess around together. . . . Now I know how to take care of goats and how to cook fruit loop biscuits. Tal and Rose’s made me laugh a lot. When Anika asked for a hug, I really, really, really more than anything wanted to be giving her a hug. I miss all the hugs I get and give at school. I miss hugging Greyson in the morning when I walk into the school and hugging Anika everyday when I leave. I miss Iris’s spontaneous hugs that she gives to everybody. In my house, if I try to hug my sister she threatens to do what she calls “harming” me, so I avoid hugging her too much. The movies also gave me a chance to see the eighth and ninth-graders, who I see for five minutes during the meeting, but I haven’t really talked to since we left.” – Leila, from her morning meeting comment

“I am also very grateful to Steve for approaching everything with the same sort of enthusiasm and hilarity and excitement as he normally would at school. That enthusiasm makes up a large part of the school and I am not sure what we would do without things like film festivals or gingerbread making or spaghetti swings.”- Isabelle; from her morning meeting comment

I loved the film fest, It was great to see why I missed you all so much to begin with and why I want to go back to school, I sometimes forget the magic that happens in that school. We have been doing online classes for weeks, I know I am with the same people but we are doing school in the same way as everyone else, it gets harder and harder to open my computer everyday, but the film fest helped that a lot it just reminded me of what we are trying to keep going. – Grey; his morning meeting comment

“Every little thing!  Is gonna be alright!” – Nate, from the ninth grade math group chat, while we were trying to get to the assignment Steve gave us

“I should’ve had vodka for breakfast today…” – Steve; from the ninth grade math group chat, trying to fix the assignment he gave us

DIGITS! . . . 0-9, that’s how we write numbers . . . numbers . . . Goddammit! – Steve; on the ninth grade group chat, going insane, trying to get my class to understand a math problem

He that is thy friend indeed,

He will help thee in thy need:

If thou sorrow, he will weep;

If thou wake, he cannot sleep:

Thus of every grief in heart

He with thee doth bear a part.

These are certain signs to know

Faithful friend from flattering foe.

—William Shakespeare…Rose; from her afternoon meeting comment; every once in a while she puts a photo of a ninth grader’s stained glass on the meeting log and a quote or part of a poem under it; this was under Nate’s

“This afternoon I’ve been abnormally motivated, and have been cleaning the house as if it were an Olympic sport, and I was going for gold.” – Declan, from his afternoon meeting comment

“One of the things that is frustrating about having school this way is that we can’t just all sit down and talk together as a school in a way that is functional for the sort of conversation that things like this require. – Isabelle, from her afternoon comment, talking about trying to get the people who are distant and struggling to talk about what is going on

Friday

“When I was little all I wanted to do was run out into the rain or after it rained so I could run and pick up the worms from under rocks and other places. Then I would have handfuls of worms and sing with them twirling around in my small hands. Then I got up suddenly and opened the door, which my dog automatically heard and ran outside in the rain with me. It was getting darker in the day and gloomy with some rain, but not a lot and I was in my now wet socks just running around. Nadja was following me and I ran around, rain falling all around me and on me.” – Jholai, from her morning meeting comment

“I think everyone’s a germaphobe these days.” – Steve, during the ninth grade math class

“Your role is as a seasoned, veteran model . . . if you guys don’t do this, we will peter out and fall and collapse. “- Tal; talking to the nineties; he needs our energy back:  . . . “if you didn’t write a comment, you missed the class . . . that’s the expectation: nothing less than 100%.”

“People who have English accents are 1000 times smarter than us. “- Tal, during the ninth grade art class

Happy charcoal drawing. – a narrator, at the end of one of the videos Tal showed us on how to make charcoal

“just wait shell say sum event” – Iris; on the ninth grade science group chat; meaning to say: just wait, “she’ll say something eventually”

“gO FINLEY GO GO FINLEY GO!!!!!!!” – Tal, commenting to the beginning of Finley’s afternoon comment, the first meeting comment he has written in the past couple weeks

“The other day, we got out our paddleboards and went on the pond. We quickly noticed two Mallard ducks, a male and a female, swimming one the far end, so we were quiet and careful not to startle them. I had brought out my phone to try to take some pictures, so we tried to get close enough to them without them flying away. Maybe 15 feet away from them was a branch sticking up out of the water, which my brother grabbed onto, so the wind wouldn’t blow us away. I put my paddle on his board so that I was anchored there too, and then we just lay there, in the sun, watching the ducks and waiting for them to swim more out into the open- which they didn’t end up doing. I thought he would get bored after a few minutes, and want to go back, but to my surprise he just lay there, watching them, being very still.” – Viv, from her afternoon comment, talking about being with her younger brother

Making Eutopia

All,

The second week of remote NBS is in the books (or screen). We are trying to see it for what it presents: possibility, a chance to try our skills at something different, the challenge to do it better than it’s been done. We’re dealt a hand of cards, we play the best ones we’ve got. Again, as ever, we find that the knitted fabric of togetherness and contact is the most important and most difficult element to sustain. But we are still connected, and there is joy and laughter in every class. We look forward to reading the kids’ comments in the meeting log every morning. We look forward to our classes. We look forward to signing off at the end of the day. The regular check-ins and the hundreds of pages of daily meeting comments  have made it feel as though we have some continuity. . When the kids say goodbye on Zoom at the end of each class, it has a special poignancy. We feel our having been with each other, and we are assured that we will be back together again the next day.

On Saturday Elise sent me a curated list of quotes that had been said, written, overheard, or copied down over the week, from Meeting comments to Zoom meetings to Google Chats to classes to books we’d read, videos watched or listened to.  Some of the quotes were from teachers, some were from students, some were from documentaries we showed. (See here https://panthermountain.blog/2020/03/28/weekly-notes-no-wait-weekly-quotes/ ). Elise said that since we did not have Weekly Notes, this could serve as a sort of stand-in record. In essence, Elise looked at the situation and made an adaptation,  Over the years I have learned that when the kids start making something new out of something broken or old, then we are really doing it right. Whether it is making a play out of an old joke from October, or a church steeple out of screws and pine-boughs, or staging a wedding in the field with dresses made of butcher paper and burlaps sacks. Whether it is a sculpted face made out of bent wire or a game using a tarp that everyone learns or a perfectly set table for 29 people for a pizza feast. When the kids invent and those inventions are suffused with love and fun and joy, when a new tendril shoots out or a blossom emerges from the muck—those are the high points. Elise’s list is a new branch growing off what we are doing. When you read it you will see a smidgeon of the many fruits of just one week of school.

I reminded the kids over the last days that they had done everything they had needed to do as a class up to the point when we had to close the school. They had done it exactly right, according to the dictates of this year, these circumstances, this collection of humans. All of their mistakes, all our screw-ups, all our good days and bad days—all of it had fallen and played out exactly as it should have. The Nineties had led; the Eighties had stepped up; the Sevies had come into the school with vigor and courage. 

Having done this a fair long time now, I’ve come to know that certain occurrences at certain points in the year foretell certain outcomes. For instance, if there is a Ninth-grader who takes on the mantle of leading the building of the Burning School structure, and does that by incorporating seventh and eighth graders as “apprentices,” it’s going to be a great year. If older kids come in with their voices shaking and then cry in the first class on the first day when I ask, “How do you want to live?” we will have a higher degree of emotional openness and a deeper experience of learning. If the kids flock to the science room one day at lunch for some wild dancing and laughter around Rose’s table, and then the next day assemble in a large group the math room to receive the rules straight from Steve concerning the latest version of “Assassin;” and then on the third day the building because the entire school left at lunch to go play in the snow on the Hill, then the school is humming and all is going to plan. 

The corollary: if there are conflicts, tears, frustration, agitation, stubborn problems, and knotty dilemmas, and the kids are talking together about it, we are still going to get somewhere good. As Martin Luther King, Jr. wrote in the “Letter from a Birmingham Jail,” we welcome creative tension. No growth or change can happen without tension. We find ourselves at an impasse. Currents of anger or fear or indecision may be present. Still, we gather together to examine it and let the feeling play out and be expressed. Listening, and moving carefully, sometimes achingly, we determine our needs and our options. We decide on how to move together. A new situation is born out of the old. We move and build again. It is not clean, it is not perfect, but we say that living in these difficult moments is as important as creating and living in joyful moments. 

So we are always on the lookout for these moments, good or bad, hard or easy. Some of these “indicators” happen at precise and predictable times. It is the day that the Fed Ex man walks into the room and asks me to sign for the shipment of toilet paper. I say to him, “I’ll have my associate sign. Greyson?”  Greyson looks around in terror and shock and points to himself, mouthing the words, “Me?”  “Yes, Greyson, you’re my associate, get your fanny over here and sign for this toilet paper.” From that day forward Greyson is more fully visible in the eyes of his classmates. The day of Burning School, Rose arrives in the science room to start making pizzas, and all the the ninth-grader are already there assmebled before her, with aprons on and music playing from a mini-speaker, the fire already lit in the bread oven. In the week before Thanksgiving, a ninth-grader will say, “Tal, when are we doing peanut sales!?” and then there will ensue a half-hour’s worth of reminiscing about the comedy of errors and surprise and hilarity about the previous two years’ Peanut Sales. In March a musical-minded student will say, “Should we start getting the music together for the play?” I will say, “Yes, you organize it and let everyone know.” These moments occur with such perfect regularity that I think of them as the stars in the constellation of our school year; I can know where we are and how far we have to go and our relative speed simply by their sudden and steady bright appearance week after week.

On the Tuesday before we closed the school, we had been in play rehearsal. Ezra was absent. Someone shouted, “Who’ll be Marge?” Marge was Ezra’s character. A chorus of shouts answered, “I will! I will!” “Oscar, you’re it!” I shouted. Oscar proceeded to bumble through Marge’s lines. It was impossibly comical. He didn’t know where to stand or which way to go or where to look. His ramshackle but determined imitation of Ezra’s Marge was ridiculously and perfectly awful and spectacularly free and uninhibited.  All twenty-five of us broke up laughing, doubled-over, breathless, red-faced, coughing, stomach-hurting laughter. Everyone laughing, together, at the same time, at the same thing, for the same reason. Not one iota malicious, and Oscar laughing the hardest. All mad joy, nobody on the outside, everyone on the inside, all of us together. It took a good two minutes to gather ourselves and reset the scene again. And then the laughing started all over.

This happens every year sometime in the middle of March. We’re down in the dark, dirty basement with our terrible play and our unfinished script, with the usual currents of irritation and frustration and chaotic un-doneness, and then through some mysterious cosmic predetermined order, the last vestiges of walls or veils between us dissolve, and we are all in the unity of understanding of our mutual and shared being. No one ever sees this but us. No audience, no parents, no graduation crowd. Never again is the play so funny as that moment, so perfectly timed, so true. 

I told the kids that that is eutopia. That moment when everyone is suddenly and naturally and unexpectedly stitched together. All the work of the months before. All the tension and arguments and fears and screw-ups and half-done work and all the good moments, too, now have their denouement, here in the basement at 2:48 pm on Tuesday under the chicken lights. Such a moment is not a miracle. It was made through work and time, and it arrived right when it was supposed to, and they lived it together. Those moments are brief and they are rare, but they had a taste of it.  And they will taste it again.

I told all of them that we will, no matter what, “end this year” in a way that is fitting and celebratory. We can’t know when that will be. But at the first suitable moment, at the first chance we can, we will assemble to celebrate our year and what was made and learned. And let’s be clear, the learning is still going on and in, and perhaps in deeper ways than we could imagine. We will gather somewhere. We will hike to the top of a mountain. We will light a raging bonfire. We will play a fully-costumed Wiffle Ball game; we will hold a graduation ceremony in which we will read our speeches and say thank you, thank you and goodbye to the ninth graders. 

In the meantime, we can only do what we can do and that is, simply, to stay together. This has been the essential teaching and learning in the last two weeks. It will have to be the central learning for the next many more weeks to come. We play the best cards we’re dealt. As Sam wrote in the meeting notes, we still have time.  “So we can’t just say it isn’t gonna happen. It might not be looking up. But if we don’t think positively then we won’t enjoy the time we have on this. We still got time on this. We have gotten so much better at it. And once we get fully ahold of it we are going to be professionals. So if this is what we got, we are going to be the best online school in the state.”  

We still have time, a lot of it, and we will try to use it as best as we can.

Weekly Notes–No, Wait, Weekly Quotes

Weekly Quotes. These were compiled by ninth-grader Elise Heppell from the last week of NBS online school. From classes, the meeting log, and other sources.

Monday

“The fire demons . . .” [starts coughing] – Grey, on a video call with Anika

Tuesday

“I don’t want to just go on through life doing nothing because that won’t get me anywhere, and I need to do more, I just don’t know what more there is to do. — Maggie, from part of her meeting comment in the morning

“I ran around the yard with Rusty in my fuzzy crocs and we chased the squirrels that were shocked by it snowing. ” — Sam; from part of his meeting comment in the morning

“’You can control your reactions to the world around you,’ I have said to a lot of people. It was time to take my own advice.” -—Steve, from part of his morning meeting comment

“I wanted to keep [Sasha] safe from everything. Even though he was older than me. I wanted him to be my little brother. So I could protect him from things. I did not want him to cry or get angry. I wanted him to be happy with what he does.”  — Dinara, I will let you guess on this one

“If you go to a store where they’re sold out of everything. There’s no flour, no bleach or anything, they will still have Grapenuts.” —Steve; in the ninth grade math class

“I think when you guys are feeling low it’s because you’re not connected to your gut power.” — Tal, in the ninth grade lit class

“My actors are busy at the moment.” —Luke, on the all-school google chat, stating his excuse for not having made a video for the NBS film contest yet.

Wednesday

“If you want to expand your mind, you have to push yourself. You have to elevate to another step. Find a new perspective.” — Tal, from part of his meeting comment this morning

“I think that is what photography means to me. It is just a vehicle that transports me to the time and place that I took the photo. I can remember what I was standing by, who I was talking to, and what my emotion was in most of the photos. It is something that I truly love to do, and I hope I can share the slideshow with all of you.” — Giles; from part of his meeting comment this morning

“Death by pufferfish.” —Steve; during the nineties’ math class, commenting on one of the ways to fail Viv’s Scratch game

“The comedians keep going.” — Tal, during the nineties’ class with him, talking about how it’s odd for him to talk into a computer and not have an audience, and that for comedians an audience is half of the performance.

The following are from MLK Jr’s Letter from a Birmingham Jail: “I am in Birmingham because injustice is here . . . I must constantly respond to the Macedonian call for aid . . . I cannot sit idly by in Atlanta” “Whatever affects one directly affects all indirectly” “No one who lives in the United States can be considered an outsider” “In these workshops, we asked them, ‘Are you able to accept blows without retaliating?  Are you able to accept the realities of jail?’” “For years now I have heard ‘Wait’ . . . it rings in the ear of every Negro with a piercing familiarity” “Our destiny is tied up with America’s destiny” “But what else can one do . . . but write long letters, think long thoughts, pray long prayers?”

“Today is the last day of freedom. As of tomorrow, everyone is officially put under a stay at home order.” —Celeste, from her afternoon meeting comment

“Wallace and Jasper, Lockdown Buddies.” —Rose; from her afternoon meeting comment, sharing a picture of the dogs lying on a rug together

“Celeste also shared her mom’s arm (as part of her skin project.)” — Rose, from her afternoon meeting comment

“I have hope every day that we will get to laugh like that with each other really really soon again, but for now, insane laughing like that feels really really good.” – Iris; from her afternoon meeting comment

“I feel like a dock post, and everything that’s happening, is just barnacling on to me and I want to be free of it. I guess in a way it might be a good thing that it is barnacling on to me, but there’s always something that’s not done or something that needs to be done that I haven’t done yet.” —Anika, from her afternoon meeting comment

Thursday

“He was locating one of his own.  He was trying to locate humanity.” — Iris, during the nineties’ lit class, talking about McMurphy singing in the bathroom one morning

“Sam, you’re speaking out of a robot’s ass.” —Nate and Tal, during the nineties’ lit class, commenting on Sam’s speaker sounding strange and not working

“I don’t know if I’m supposed to hate my parents, and love my phone more than love itself, but for the time being, I have the space to be whatever I want at North Branch, and I chose to play with Beyblades with my class. I chose to play manhunt in the woods, and carve pumpkins for Halloween. I chose to strain myself working on the play and writing stories about love. I chose to jump off cliffs into the water, and I chose to dance in the light.” — Iris; the last sentences of her three-part story, which she sent to the ninth graders to read

“I think we all have a base understanding that we shouldn’t settle for going small.” — Tal; in his afternoon meeting comment

Quotes from MLK Jr’s The Drum Major Instinct speech: “Let us look calmly and honestly at ourselves, and we will discover that we too have those same basic desires for recognition, for importance, that same desire for attention, that same desire to be first” “We all have the drum major instinct; we all want to be important, to surpass others, to achieve distinction, to lead the parade . . . and this desire for distinction is the basic impulse, the basic drive, for human, human life” “Everybody likes [praise] as a matter of fact, and somehow this warm glow we feel when we are praised, or when our name is in print, is something of the vitamin A to our egos” “this perverted use of the drum major instinct led to the most tragic expressions of man’s inhumanity to man” “they have 20 megaton bombs in Russia right now that can destroy a city as big as New York in three seconds with everybody wiped away and every building and we can do the same thing to Russia and China! . . . nations are caught up with the drum major instinct” “[Jesus] said it’s a good instinct if you use it right, if you don’t distort it” “[Jesus said] keep feeling the need for being first, but I want you to be first in love, I want you to be first in moral excellence, I want you to be first in generosity” “true greatness comes  not by favoritism but by fitness” “I want to leave a committed life behind”

Friday

“I guess the best thing to do now though is to just focus on today.” —Isabelle; from her morning meeting comment

I want to get to the point where people say of my work, “that man feels deeply.” —Van Gogh, in a letter to brother Theo, from the Van Gogh documentary Tal showed in his class

“No one was buying his painting . . . but he kept a belief that he was doing what he needed to do.” — Tal, talking while pausing the documentary

“I think he used himself as a model to try different styles.” -—one of the speakers from the Van Gogh documentary

“It still doesn’t feel real that we might not have school at school again. It seems so completely impossible. But we never know what is going to happen. It is going to be terrible if we don’t get back. But we still have time. So we can’t just say it isn’t gonna happen. It might not be looking up. But if we don’t think positively about anything then we won’t enjoy the time we have. We still got time on this. We have gotten so much better at it. And once we get fully ahold of it we are going to be professionals. So if this is what we got. We are going to be the best online school in the state. We aren’t going to be like my dad’s students and not care and be happy school is over. This is going to be the best online school ever. So everyone full send into this. We never know what is going to happen. Just don’t give up at this because of what is happening.” — Sam, his afternoon meeting comment

“It is good from time to time to think about what your mind dwells in and ask if it is dwelling in the best places possible.” —Tal; from his afternoon meeting comment

NBS Survives First Week of Internet School

Below is the weekly note I write to the school community:
All,
        We want to thank you for your patience, forbearance, support, encouragement, and humor as we try to shift NBS to on-line and keep up with some meaningful school and connections between us all. Our goal is to try to replicate the NBS experience as much as humanly and technologically possible. After one week we feel that, while imperfect and limited at best, we nevertheless created a more than a passable version of an online school.
        We do not know how long we will need to do this. As I mentioned before, we are preparing for the worst, hoping for the best, and have a reasonable belief that we will find ourselves somewhere in the middle of those two extremes.IMG_5515.jpg
(some of Jacques’paintings)
         To be sure, we are aware that the nature of the North Branch School has built-in advantages that other school systems do not have given the circumstances. First of all, we are small, not a system, but a community. This has made for relatively speedy and easy communication and has allowed us to move about like a little water strider racing gracefully over the waters relative to other schools. As important, our students are in safe homes, have food, support, and have the necessary technological means to do what we are trying to do. We also have a small and closely-knit community. Parents, teachers, and kids are uniformly motivated, committed, and giving best effort. When these factors are all in place, the chance for success is high.
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        (Iris working in her field journal)
IMG_1844[692] (1).jpg(Oscar skinning up Mad River)
       
       I was saying to Rose that had we had to do this in September it would have been much more difficult, if not impossible. Had it happened then, we would not have had time to build the necessary connections between us and the kids and the families, and the kids would not have already built their connections to each other. We would have been split asunder before we had created the lines of understanding and affection that are necessary for any learning community.
        As it is we were just coming into that place where all our year’s work as a school was going to bear fruit. I have to believe that all the work we did through the longs months of fall and winter made it so that we were, in all the essential ways, ready for this. I have full belief that we will stay together and keep going together. I have full belief that when we get together again, we and the school will be whole and intact.
         During the last eight or so days, we teachers have watched and listened to the kids processing events. From despair and disappointment over losing “their year” and their work to various intensities of frustration, anger, irritation, disorientation, grouchiness, confusion, worry, resignation, disillusionment, loss and grieving—all of these feelings and states of mind have been transmitted clearly and openly in their morning meeting comments.

          At the same time, the meeting comments have been filled with jewels. Humor, comedy, hope, ambition, solidarity, support, continuity, life advice,  empathy, responsiveness, care, responsibility, timeliness, delight, encouragement, cooperation, teamwork, unity, patience, determination—all of these have poured forth to and from the kids each morning and afternoon, with side commentary in the column to the right of the regular meeting comments, and an on-going Monty Python-esque dialogue of pith and insane silliness extending into the All-School Google chat.unnamed-3.jpg (Sam’s two-pound loaf)

 

          Essentially, what we have seen is that the kids learned—a LOT—over the course of the year, and what they learned is, to the degree possible, carrying us through.
          As Geeta wrote on Friday: “We can do it, this week really showed that we can get through it. Like I’ve been saying every single day. I have to come up with ways to get through it. But I will. I always think of the saying my grandma used to say to me when I was little that her mother used to say to her. “It’s not the end of the world” (just imagine that in a Jewish accent) so I keep telling myself that.
 
          Some silver-linings. We all get to see each other in new ways. The very first morning, we saw Grey on his black couch, chasing his sister’s bird, which had escaped its cage. We heard Maggie slurping on her seltzer. We saw Sam’s Nerf Gun collection on his pegboard. We saw Nate’s Liverpool flag and Axel’s Dutch flag. Celeste with her head-set and microphone, looking like the DJ of Bristol. We saw Dinara in the basement with her dad’s amplifier and Sasha’s drums. We saw Isabelle with her zodiac tapestry on her wall behind her and Jholai at her kitchen table. We saw Eli in his parachute fort and Nate on his trampoline and Giles loading logs into his stove and we saw Finley in his mudroom. We saw Finn’s pet rabbit, Axel’s magnetic stress beads and Anika’s desk calendar, and Finley’s rupee collection. We saw Iris and Maggie’s brother Toby saying “hi” and Declan’s dog Soso.
          Because the kids are at home, other possibilities opened up: Jholai took a long walk with her sister. Oscar skinned up Mad River. Sam baked bread and built a Salmon Ladder. Vivian took a walk and found a wood frog in the leaf litter that was bright orange. Maggie sat by a stream lost in thought. Declan took a ride on his four-wheeler and saw the mother deer and her yearling that he had seen last spring. While walking Declan found a perfect owl pellet, which he later dissected. Iris sat and drew in her field journal. Finley made paintings with Una and his little sister. Jacques painted three watercolor portraits. Eli played Taboo with his family. The Howell and Mayer families set up inter-family competitions, including who could dress up their dogs in the best St. Patrick’s Day costume. Axel explored up in “the forbidden forest,” the hill behind his house. Finn went for a run with mom and visited an old fort he built which he discovered was still standing two years later. Giles took his (and honorary NBS) dog Blue on a walk and studied Blue’s movements and behavior. Anika talked to an old friend. Jonah said he had more in-depth conversations with his family and Nate and Jonah went on a muddy mountain bike ride on the trails and roads of Lincoln. Vivian baked a birthday cake for her mom and then her family shot of “legal” fireworks into the dark night. Declan hiked into the woods where he used to walk with his dad in the fields behind his house and listened to the quietness. Sam made soda bread for St. Patrick’s Day and painted the downstairs room with his mom. Steve, or “Professor Holmes,” took his brood on a long PE hike to Silver Lake and then made a website called “Quarantine University–QU.”  Jholai played Snakes and Ladders with her family and found herself laughing uncontrollably. “All this laughing felt good.” Celeste worked on improving her crystal storage system because she has “been a very bad crystal mama.” Iris went running. Rose got out her art supplies and made a quarantine bedroom for her son Jared in our shop. Eli went on long walks with his family. Elise wove a trivet out of grape-vines. She went for a long walk with Anika and took approximately 17,000 photos of spring returning and the small pebbles she collected. Geeta made tea with her grandmothers while using her Aroosh Indian accent and made them fall over laughing. Then she remembered an old recipe for cleaning pots (lime and salt) and cleaned two old pots. Tal saw a robin.
         There is so much still going on that is life. There’s a chainsaw buzzing in the woods as I write this. The sun is out, the daffodils are just breaking through.
         During the week we wrote and read our feelings. We made jokes. We did Scratch, made graphs, wrote in Field Journals, learned about bone health, muscle growth and atrophy (very important now), learned about the Birmingham Children’s Crusade of 1963 and watched a documentary about it. We had lit class, we experimented with meeting technology, we posted pictures, we wrote scenes, we laughed into the computer screen, there were math classes and we drew apples and eggs. As much as possible, it felt like we are still going.
         In the documentary of the Children’s Crusade, we saw pictures of the children being carted away in paddy wagons. We saw footage of them singing in the streets, dancing with each other under the firehoses, arms linked, laughing and shouting from behind the bars of Birmingham’s jails. If there was ever an inspirational message for us this was it. The irrepressible, indestructive human spirit. Persevering in spite of circumstance.
         But there is no doubt the kids are missing that animal closeness they need and crave. They have a ceaseless, indefatigable hunger for human connection. They want to play, run, wrestle, and hug each other. They want to see and find themselves among a community of others who love, understand and accept them and where they can learn to love, understand, and accept others. This enforced isolation is making us more aware than ever that our school is built around these ideas of human community and bringing kids into it and sending them out to do big things.
        On the last day of school, I told the kids about Henri Matisse, the great French painter. When Matisse was nineteen, he was unhappily training to become a lawyer. Then he was struck down by sickness and was bed-ridden for a year. While laid up, someone gave him a box of paints and he began painting as he lay in his bed. By the time he was well, he had decided that he wanted to be a painter and to this task, he devoted his entire life. When he was aged, he was again bed-ridden, but he kept on painting. He had assistants pin large sheets on his walls and attach ink brushes or charcoal to a long bamboo limb. He then lay in his bed and continued to draw, and he drew magnificent line drawings of fish and other animals and water and swimmers and dancers. The life in him never left, but kept on coming out.
         It’s also instructive that the window played a huge part in his work throughout his life. When could not go out, he painted both what was inside his room as well as what he could see out of it. He might be looking at the Notre-Dame or the boats in the harbor of Coulloires or palm trees of Tangiers, but he cast his view outwards and brought the outside in. He was not limited by enclosure. His view was broad, brilliant, and expansive.
           I am hoping we can keep this kind of mindset for these coming weeks. Keep looking for color and life all around. Be active, even if you are laid up. We’ll stride forward this week and see what else we can create.
          Tal, Rose, and Steve

NBS Sets Up Remote School During Pandemic

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Due to COVID-19, we moved to remote learning on March 13. Below is some of what we have done and are doing.

Highlights from the first NBS online Morning Meeting:

Isabelle, March 13, 8:55

       When I read the email that was sent on Wednesday night, it felt almost as if a snow day was being called. I was disappointed, but it didn’t seem real. I couldn’t imagine having to do everything online and not being able to see and talk and interact with everyone every day. I didn’t want to think about it too much and so I kept myself as busy as I could. I cut fabric patterns for a shirt my mom is going to teach me how to sew, I read The Shell Collector, I wrote, I made lists, I put pictures up on a corkboard, I practiced piano, I checked the updates on the virus, I checked my email and the google chat, I did a Khan academy assignment, I cleaned my room. But throughout the day, there was an underlying feeling, the same feeling that I get when I am absorbed in a book and things aren’t going well for the characters, but I can just look away from the book and all of that will disappear and I will be in my own life once again. I felt as though I was in a story that was not my own, and if I just looked away, then I would realize that everything was actually fine and normal and I would see everybody after the weekend. But then I would remember that I didn’t know when I would see everybody again.

        Throughout the day, there were various phases of optimism and hopelessness. On one hand, I thought this could be an interesting opportunity. Maybe something great will come out of this that would never have happened otherwise. Maybe this will strengthen our connection to each other and this will be something we will always remember. But on the other hand, I thought about everything that wouldn’t happen. I thought about only being able to see each other through pixels on a screen. I thought about watching people dance in the science room and the sound and laughter and light that the school is usually so filled with. And then I thought about how the school must look now, all dark and far too silent. Ramen packets and snow pants still in cubbies, shoes strewn around the floor, posters up, math sheets in a box on the piano as if we had all hoped to come back the very next day.

Jholai/March 13, 8:34

     I had walked out to my mom’s car on Wednesday with a smile on my face since I had just hugged everyone and had said goodbye. It reminded me of graduation last year with all the goodbyes and tears except I felt extremely happy. I was thinking of how far I had come since last year. Even with school and my connection with my mom who was sad when I told her the news. She then began to talk about how this would mean we would have to isolate ourselves and we would get to spend more time all together, as a family. I thought about going skating with her and my sister that weekend and us all linking hands and skating together, falling and laughing. There would be more time to do these things.

Giles: Meeting comment. Monday, 8:45 Am

             As I sat in my house the Thursday that school had been announced closed, life seemed to have slowed to a halt. I sat contorted on my couch, a drink out in front of me, and no one was going to move me from that spot. I lazed for a long while, my movie blared on, and for some reason, I had no motivation to make myself useful with my time.

So I sat, and after some time of sitting, my phone buzzed. I picked it up and on the screen showed the name Finley Kaeck. Surprised, I opened it. There stood the words, “I was wondering if you were still sugaring if you are, could I join?”

         I had not started sugaring. I had not done anything. I had wasted most of my day, out of grief for my school, as well as just lack of energy. I responded yes.

        Fifteen minutes later Finley was at my door. And approximately fifteen seconds later he made his way up to the boiler where I stood. The fire was in the making. Paper was strewn about the inside of the boiler, and wood was laid on top of that. We poured some diesel full on top of all of the materials, and lit the fire that would at some point, make sugar.

        We stood, and stoked, and not so much laughed and goofed off, as we did talk about how disappointed we were, not being able to go to the place that we loved. We agreed, with empathy, how much we felt for the nineties. Not being able to have every minute of their last NBS year.

        Finley told me throughout the process, that he felt like the school was getting to a really good place, and we were just leaving at its climax. I agreed.

         School was feeling like it was really heating up, and then someone, the all-powerful someone (god perhaps), just took the fuel out from under us and let us fall. I miss being at school, but having Finley with me was just about the greatest thing that could have happened to me that day. Emptying buckets and talking about school. It felt like we were really together.

Revelations of Divine Acorns, Toiling and Digging Deeper

Bob the Dog had shown up again at the school.

Bob was an ever-roaming and indefatigable Australian border collie, known to turn up at strange times in strange places all over the town of Ripton. Often he’d be observed trotting down the middle of a snowy mountain road or waiting at a back door with a stick in his teeth.

Bob was also a member of an original NBS family, the Allens, whose three children, Sophie, Walker, and Lydia had attended the school. Mia was a co-founder and the only chairperson of the board the North Branch School had ever had.

I called the Allens to tell them we had Bob. When Freeman showed up later to collect him, he’d brought with him books for our school library. One was a volume of Isaac Asimov short stories.  The other was a small, brown, side-stitched chapbook, from an 1969 edition of 400 by Spiral Press. In it were only five pages, a poem by Frost called “One Favored Acorn,” published on the occasion of the dedication of the Robert Frost Cabin and Homer Noble farm, where Frost had spent many summers. Freeman had been at the dedication and had two copies and so was donating one to the school. 

The poem was not in Frost’s Collected Poems. I had never seen it before or even heard of it. Holding the slim volume was like having picked up a rare treasure. Ten stanzas, thirty lines dropping down the pages in perfect terza rima.

That afternoon I told the class about the poem and held the volume up to show them. 

“Can we hear it?” Liam asked. I explained about how terza rima worked and then I read it.

More than a million seed
Most of which must fail
And go for squirrel feed.

Some had got themselves hurled
On the equinoctial gale
Far out into the world.

Some when the wind was still
Had fallen plummet direct
(but may have bounced down hill).

In a hollow some lay in a heap
Not knowing what to expect
Two or three acorns deep.

Already at one extreme
By autumn dampness’ aid
Some were showing a toothlike gleam

What might have been a fuse
To some small devil grenade
Fat-loaded ready to use.

All that mast must perish
Unless I should intervene
And pick one up to cherish.

I might plant one in a yard
To alter a village scene
And be of long regard.

But whether with faithfully shut
Or intelligently open eyes
I wished I could choose a nut

That would be most appreciative
And would feel the most surprise.
At being allowed to live.

Nothing much happened after I read it. We talked briefly about what it might mean. What’s he saying about the “toothlike gleam?You never know what will happen. Chance or conscious decision may bear fruit one day.  Maybe it’s about wanting to live on after you die. Life is precious. We have a chance to live.

The afternoon passed, the day ended, the students went home. As always, I had no idea what if anything might have gone in, what seeds germinating, what fuses lit. That night I awoke and remembered the poem. I thought of that toothlike gleam; I could see the whiteness shining in the dark. I recalled how I had once picked up oak acorns from a litter of wet leaves to see the smoothe taproots finding their way into the earth, each one a possible life just beginning.

*

We were studying religion throughout that year. The idea of heaven and hell came up frequently. Was there a heaven or hell after this worldly life? Most of the kids in class said they did not believe in either place.

“What if we say there is no hell after life, but only hell in life,” I proposed. “If that was the case, what would comprise your own personal hell? What would ‘hell in life’ be?”

“Mine would be what I wrote in my place description,” said Marley.  She had recently written a short piece about fear of death, the fear of darkness, of not being able to sleep, of fearing to wake up and have everyone gone, or even waking up grumpy and tired, and only ever seeing the clock turn slowly and being so tired and scared to face the day. It was a description of an adolescent beginning to face the world alone. 

“Let’s try that,” I said. “Let’s do what Marley did and all try to write what our own hells are. Get your writing utensils and a sheet of parchment. Or you can use your typer.”  After a minute of rustling and clearing the table, the room settled into quiet. Only the sound of pencils or fingers clicking on keyboards.

We spent the rest of the afternoon reading what we had written. Every kid in the room had “hellish” feelings which constantly collided into others, created conflicts and misunderstanding. For many, these undesirable states were seemingly always there, controlling instead of being controlled. The hell of always fighting or too much fighting with parents or siblings; of not knowing what to say; of feeling like a failure; of not wanting to be in the crowd, or wanting too much to be in the crowd; of being alone; of wondering: does anyone care about me? Do I matter? Of not understanding what is going on; of being afraid to ask a question or of saying something true; of feeling trapped. Guilty. Lying. Being bored, wrong, empty, greedy; the fear of silence, of wanting big thoughts, or not having them; of having big thoughts and being frightened; of not being liked or noticed or good. Over and over, the theme of wondering if one made a difference, if one mattered, if the universe held us each apart and alone.

Later I read Julian of Norwich’s prayer which begins: “Be a gardener;/ Dig a ditch; /toil and sweat, /and turn the earth upside down/ and seek the deepness and water the plants in time.” If education was anything, it was about upending the surface of things and planting, inculcating a belief in work and beauty to come. I wanted them to remember Frost’s single acorn, to have faith in what could be born and what might come to be one day. I often had to tell this to myself: my work matters. I’m given a few seasons and a few favored acorns, these few students. I toil in darkness. I try to cherish them and hope they are well-rooted, that they will outlive me and alter the village scene and the world after.

Like most days, we did not come to answers or conclusions. The questing and the questioning rolled on out of one day and into the next. Like a sequence of interlocking rhymes, we picked up one unfinished thought and started a new one. The gift of understanding would not appear on this day but in ten thousand days to follow.

*

That night I could not sleep again. I thought of the day’s classes, the conversations, the half-thoughts, the unresolved issues, the simmering conflicts, the ongoing struggles. I thought of the world, too, with its violence and suffering, assassinations and corruptions and deprivations, its injustices and coarseness and vulgar arguments over truth and fact.  I lay in the dark asking: “How is it likely to get better?  How is it likely to change?”

In the morning light, I woke and heard words echoing in my head, like someone calling from another room, reminding me. The lines were from Frost’s “Birches.” “Earth’s the right place for love:/ I don’t know where it’s likely to go better.”

I left the house that morning, the words of the poet trying to make me see. I tried to work out the dialogue in my head. We know, or we are trying to know, that the only place it can go better is here. There is no other world. This place, this time, this day. Heaven or hell—either way, I could make something only now. The only way I could face my students was with my eyes faithfully shut or intelligently open. Sitting among them was the only where I could be. We had to try to make it go better.

And then, some days later, I was sorting through drawings that the kids had made in science class while they watched a film about the inquisition of Galileo. The pictures were meant to show in symbolic images what science could learn from religion, and what religion could learn from science. Crude or expert drawings of candles, the Greek symbols for alpha and omega, volcanoes, rivers, trees, ladders, crucifixes, altars, a pair of praying hands, stairways, eyes, lightning, constellations, swords, snakes and dogs—scattered and scrawled depictions of a child’s emerging sense of the cosmos.  One of the students had drawn a picture of a candle and a scale. Above, the words, “eyes faithfully shut or intelligently open” were written boldly and brightly, as though announcing to us or reminding herself that in exchange for being allowed to live we must hold these two poles in balance; as though to say we must learn to walk ever so tenderly and hopefully under the old trees and among flickering candles, cherishing both paths and both kinds of vision.

Later that week I was reading through character sketches the kids had written. One of the sketches, about the writer’s dad, ended with these lines: I want to love, play and laugh with him. I want to get the bond between us stronger; I want to appreciate him more.  I want to learn from him, and always tell the truth. I don’t want to upset him. I want to make him proud…I want to be that special acorn to him who appreciates where I am and that I am living. I want to be the best acorn to him.”

As I read it to the class I felt something inside me moving. My own voice quivered and my own eyes filled. This child, who proclaimed her dream to be the best acorn, was right here, listening and speaking, in the molder of the day, among all the other ones with their taproots just beginning to seek for the depths. She was seeing the possibilities before her. I am living, she said. She did not want all that to perish. That was a beauty and mast we could keep.

To Live in the Along

      It’s well below zero degrees and rains of a January thaw have pooled and iced over the Doug Walker Field. We’re still waiting for snow. When I walk into the school on this dark morning a few students are milling around the big table. Nate is talking about the Liverpool Football Club with Oscar. Eli excitedly shows me a pile of old Wall Street Journals, and he wants me to check out a fascinating story about a major art heist in Germany. My eye flashes over a headline that says something about the rise of authoritarianism around the globe. I am thinking about the previous night, when I couldn’t sleep, due to having read too many news articles on the fires in Australia and the assassination of an Iranian general. And in the morning, after that sleepless night, I hear from a parent whose daughter’s friend has committed suicide. These factors have my heart pounding. I am on edge. And the whole day is before me, twenty-five adolescents, seven hours, and the goal to make good things happen.
       I am trying to think about the three chapters of I Know Why the Cage Bird Sings we are going to discuss in an hour. I am thinking of how I am going to show the seventh graders slides of Michelangelo’s “David” to try to understand how an artist changed the world with a revolutionary vision. I want them to pay attention to the size of the hands and David’s gaze at the moment he contemplates entering the battle. I am thinking about Iris’ project from the day before when she taught us about the poetry of Georgia Douglass Johnson. I am thinking about whether the other kids in the class learned anything about the Harlem Renaissance. Did the poetry of the women of the Harlem Renaissance matter to them? Was it knowledge they might fold into their thoughts and deeds? I am thinking of the words of Martin Luther King, Jr: “Intelligence plus character—that is the goal of true education.” It sounds easy, but it’s not. How will we school them today to have both intelligence and character?
       The ACTR bus has just arrived.  I hear loud yelling in the entry. Hugs and laughter. A clattering of stomping boots and rustling coats. The school is waking up. Someone has gotten braces or someone else got a hair cut.  At the big room table, Nate is looking through the Vermont State Driver’s Manual and Ezra is poking him in the shoulder. I am thinking, Over one billion animals have just burned up in Australia, and there is a possibility we are about to bumble our way into another war in the Mid-East. Anika is sitting quietly and Finley is doodling in his notebook. Other students are hugging and shouting about something that someone said yesterday and laughing uproariously.
       I am thinking: What will come from me today and go into them? What part of what I am doing will be important? How much pressure can I bring to bear to make them see or know or feel new thoughts? What will be important to them today? I have to muster my energy to bring them to ideas and concepts which may or may not interest them in the least.
      None of them are thinking about fires in Australia or drone strikes in Bagdad.
                                                        *
       There are times in teaching when the whole project seems impossible. Too many distractions. Too many things to learn about and not enough time. We should watch the film, “Hidden Figures,” since Isabelle presented a project on it. But do we have time? I want to show them King’s entire speech from the March on Washington, but there is so much to unpack. The words “interposition” and “nullification” echo in my head and I do a quick calculation of how much energy and time it might take to explain those terms. There is a play the whole school is trying to write. Some of the kids need to be set up with Nordic ski equipment. I need to read and edit Oscar’s weekly notes, which he sent to me late last night, all 3,919 words he’s written about the week previous. There’s a field trip to Middlebury College on Friday where will be dissecting sheep hearts. Rose has told me there are five students who don’t want to touch the hearts. Part of me wants to raise hell about this. Leonardo Da Vinci dissected forty human cadavers over the course of his life in order to understand human anatomy: why can’t these kids be excited to look at the hearts of sheep? We have lives that are only so long. We only have so many chances to understand what we are, where we came from. So by all means, and for the sake of your own life, take the scalpel in hand and start looking into the heart in front of you!
                                                             *
       Before the field trip, I read them an essay by Brian Doyle called “Joyas Voladoras.” It’s a comparison of the hummingbird’s heart—which is the size of a pencil point—to that of the blue whale, which is bigger than a room. These two animal hearts are then compared to our own. But a single fact remains true for all of us, animals and humans: we all have an estimated two billion heartbeats allotted to us in a lifetime. Our hearts may beat slowly, Doyle writes, like the tortoise, and we can live to be 200 years old. Or our heart beats ten times a second, like the heart of a hummingbird, and we can live for two years. We have a lifetime given to us that can be measured in heartbeats. We have 170 days, give or take, to make a memorable year in our school, to shape both intelligence and character.
       I tell them about Hadley, a girl who attended our school whose dad, Bud, had a heart that failed. When he died, we planted a tree at the school in his memory. The spring after he died, Hadley came back to tell us about it. She’d graduated, but she wanted to come and sit around the big-room table again and talk about Bud with the whole school. Many of the kids in the room knew Hadley and her dad. Many did not. It didn’t matter, though. These matters of the heart were something everyone could feel and understand, and they all listened as Hadley laughed and cried. I read the class the poem by e.e. cummings inscribed on a plaque by the tree that we had planted for Bud: here is the deepest secret nobody knows/ (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud/ and the sky of the sky of a tree called life.
       With the news of fires and bombs raining down and children who commit suicide, I find my spirit sagging. When the noisy shouting of adolescents seems indecipherable, when they are wrapped up in the blissful ignorance and joy of being children, when the sky is steel gray and the sun has not shone for a fortnight, I try to remember that one of my central roles is to keep the blood moving in this little heart of a school. This goes alongside ushering them through long novels, correcting their stories, imparting bits of history, helping them understand what the U.S. Constitution is meant to do. I tell them about Wilma Rudolph. You can overcome any defect or disease. You can become the fastest in the world. I tell them they have two billion heartbeats to spend. Feel all that you can, and have a strong heart. I tell them about Frederick Douglass, whose biography I am reading, a few pages each night. Mobs showed up at his lectures. He was called the vilest names you can imagine. He was attacked and pelted with rotting food and run out of town. He gave speeches in empty rooms and to three thousand. He stood on the outskirts of town and preached in the darkness among a grove of trees. Keep talking, even when it seems not one other person in the world is listening.
      Then I think, I do not have a right to give up. These kids, they do need to feel hopeful. They don’t yet know all of what is in the world. I have to give it to them in truth, honestly, but with hope. I remember the story about the Dutch pacifist, A.J. Muste, who stood in front of the White House in protest of the Vietnam war holding a single candle. “Do you really believe standing out here with one candle will change the world?” he was reportedly asked by a journalist. “Oh no,” Muste replied, “I don’t do it to change the world, I do it so the world won’t change me!”
       I have felt myself being changed by the world outside of me these last few years. I have heard words and watched actions from our leaders which have made me feel hopeless, disheartened, enraged. I am learning that when I feel this way, the most useful thing I can do is direct my attention to the Good. Where is the Good that I can grasp onto? Who has done Good? Who keeps doing good? I say this, knowing that none of us has a single heartbeat to waste. Countee Cullen, a gay, black man in the 1930s whose partner was a white man, sang his poems to his nation and was not afraid. Emily Davidson placed herself in front of the king’s horse. British suffragettes suffered broken teeth, vomiting, bleeding and choking when they were force-fed during hunger strikes. Frederick Douglass fought his brutal overseer until his overseer gave up.
                                                             *
       On the days that drag, or on the days that drag us down, we have to look for glints of light where we can. If there is a flash of movement in the limbs, we must catch it while we can. Later in the morning, at the end of meeting, I ask who has a poem to read to the class.
      “I do,” says Maggie. I had earlier given her a collection of poems that had been displayed on the subways of London and New York.
      She opens the book to a marked page, then reads a short poem by Gwendolyn Brooks, who was the first African-American to win the Pulitzer Prize.

       Say to them,
       say to the down-keepers,
       the sun-slappers,
       the self-soilers,
       the harmony-hushers,
       “even if you are not ready for day
       it cannot always be night.”
       You will be right.
       For that is the hard home-run.

       Live not for battles won.
       Live not for the-end-of-the-song.
       Live in the along.

       I keep my head down while I listen. As noise rises and friction of the day heats up, this may be what passes for a blessing. Live not for battles won. We have long hours and months ahead. My sphere of influence is at this table, in this room, with these souls, who are on the precipice between childhood and adulthood, just before they open their wings. I want them to love the truth that they can know and learn, that they must. I want them to learn to become desperate and impatient for what they don’t know, to be willing to be uncomfortable because comfort is not important.  I can teach them about poetry or a prophet like Douglass. But more than that. I want them to want to know all the chambers of the heart. There is something to explore in that. It may end at two billion beats, but there is still so much. There is the Great Migration, and Robert Smalls, and Katherine Johnson, and Sally Hemmings. There is a flower in the hand of the slain warrior in Picasso’s “Guernica.” There is the snaking vein Michelangelo sculpted into David’s hand, the blood moving in him. That is the hand of a man who walked into battle unarmoured, with belief and fearlessness, his heart steady and sure. I am thinking of Bud’s tree outside shivering in the wind. We have our hands and our beliefs and the wind blows over us. We have our eyes looking forward. I want my heart all the way in it and I want to feel the terrible or beautiful meaning of what happens. This morning I want to feel changed and I don’t ever want to be changed.